


Have a Little Faith

by Interiorwinter



Series: Work me a little magic [5]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, M/M, lots of longing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-12
Updated: 2019-08-28
Packaged: 2020-05-02 01:17:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19188967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Interiorwinter/pseuds/Interiorwinter
Summary: Elle looks at Aaron the way Aaron looks at Spencer.





	1. The matching pair

**Author's Note:**

> When I went looking at this episode for some inspiration I didn't think there was much to work with. Then this just sort of poured out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> S01E05 Broken Mirror

Aaron was on the phone when Elle Greenaway appeared in the doorway and he motioned for her not to interrupt him.

“Honey just try to relax and get a little rest, okay?”

“Of course,” Haley answered. “I love you,” she said her voice flooding with warmth.

“Bye” was all Aaron could manage. He could use the excuse that it made him uncomfortable to say those words within earshot of members of his team, but that was only partly true. The rest of the truth was much more complicated. He could tell Haley he loved her, but he wouldn’t really mean it, not any more. They had been together so long, he knew her better than he knew himself. He had watched as she became obsessed with having a child, the many tries and failed attempts. Somewhere through the arguments and tears he had lost the woman he married and he wasn’t sure if he could ever find her again. He had suggested adoption, but she rejected the idea outright. Nothing would make her happy except a child from her own body, and Aaron began to suspect that his wife’s desire for a baby had less to do with the child and more to do with her own sense of self. Their physical relationship had become governed by charts and thermometers and his body did what it was told, performed when necessary, but there was no joy in it for Aaron anymore. They had tried relationship counselling, but his job made it difficult to always keep appointments and even when he managed to get there on time Haley wasn’t very open about her feelings. He had begged her to stop the punishing routines, try and accept the possibility that it might never happen, but she would just reply with an almost manic brightness “Have a little faith Aaron.”

Then, just when it seemed she would give up, Haley fell pregnant. Aaron was relieved and horrified at the same time. The blame and recriminations stopped, but he knew that he was now facing a future with a family that would be deeply dysfunctional from the very beginning. He didn’t love Haley, but he would never leave her. There was a part of him that was afraid of her obsession and he wasn’t going to let his child face whatever had taken Haley apart without him. He tried to be optimistic, perhaps after the birth Haley would agree to some support and therapy. Maybe, in time, she would get better and maybe, in time, he would stop fantasizing about taking Dr. Spencer Reid to bed. Then again, Aaron thought, maybe not…

* * *

Elle heard him say ‘honey’ and her jaw tightened a fraction. In the weeks since she started at the BAU she had tried to keep her attraction to Hotch under control but she suspected there were involuntary tells that she wasn’t even aware of. Sometimes she would find herself moving to stand beside him in a room before she realized what she was doing and stopped. The hardest thing was not looking at him, not watching the way his suit draped around his body, carefully averting her eyes when he stood with his hands on his hips.

“Everything alright?’ Elle asked, because she could be polite, and because the sound of his voice made her breathe a little faster.

“Yeah. The doctors are worried about Haley’s blood-sugar levels, they’re worried about pre-eclampsia and I’m worried she’s not going to last six weeks in bed.”

“She wants out of the hospital.”

“Yeah.”

They made their way to the briefing room, Elle trying to calculate how many nights in the next six weeks she would spend thinking about Aaron lying in his bed alone.

* * *

Any kidnapping case was fraught with tension, the team were aware that the slightest misstep on their part could end in tragedy. That the victim was a US attorney’s daughter added additional political pressure to perform well.

Gideon’s tactics were difficult to explain to the distraught father, but necessary to rattle the kidnapper and give the team something to work with. The kidnapper’s profile of each agent was chillingly accurate, to a point. Hotch’s ambition, Gideon’s arrogance, Reid’s insecurity, Morgan’s muscle and Elle’s impetuousness were all present in varying degrees, but it wasn’t what defined them. Of the five of them it was Reid who seemed most affected by the unsub’s words, but then that didn’t surprise Aaron. Spencer was sensitive, still so young and without the experience to have developed a thick skin. He was also beautiful, brilliant and beyond reach.

It had taken Aaron six months to realize he had fallen hard for young Dr. Reid. The profiler in him speculated that it might have something to do with being drawn to someone as far removed from his wife as he could get. Haley was pretty in a soft, blonde, dimpled way, Spencer was all angles and edges, cheekbones and hollows. Haley was social and comfortable around people, Spencer was distant and preferred individuals to groups. Haley wasn’t stupid, but Spencer was a genius and Aaron was one of the few people who found the young man’s ability to produce obscure facts and statistics endearing rather than annoying. Surprisingly Spencer’s gender was not important to him, in the end it was just one more difference between the young man he wanted and the woman who had become a stranger. Aaron was so adept at shutting down his emotions that he didn’t think anyone had worked it out yet. Gideon might have some suspicions, but that was a long way from knowing for sure. It was important to him that Spencer never guessed. He didn’t think he could bear to see the disappointment and discomfort he was sure would be the young man’s reaction. He was too old, too married and too Hotch to be of any interest to someone like Spencer. And that, he thought, was just as well.

They found the girl uninjured, it was a good result. Aaron stood in the darkness as they loaded her into the ambulance. Reid and Gideon were discussing something out of his earshot and he allowed himself the luxury of watching the young man from the shadows. Spencer tucked his hair absently behind his ear and smiled at something Gideon said before he loped after the older man towards the waiting SUV. Aaron sighed as the young man drove away, glad that he was no longer there to distract him but empty at the loss. Aaron swept a glance around the scene to locate the rest of the team. Elle was standing a short distance away, and he saw the longing his own face has just recently projected mirrored back at him.

“Oh shit,” he murmured to himself. Things were about to get complicated.

* * *

Elle noticed Hotch move deliberately into the shadows and wondered what he was doing. In the darkness it was difficult to read his expression, but the look of hunger that flashed across his face was unmistakable. Someone had Aaron Hotchner’s attention and Elle felt a sharp sting of loss for something she had never even had. She turned quickly to try and see who had triggered that look on Hotch’s face, but there were too many bodies moving too rapidly for her to isolate anyone specific. She turned back to watch him again, not trying to cover the longing and disappointment she felt. It didn’t matter anymore, he would never look at her anyway, not the way he had just looked at somebody else, somebody emphatically not his wife.

* * *

The trip back to Quantico from Connecticut was mercifully short, although it was still late by the time the jet touched down. Only Hotch and Reid chose to return to the office, the others made their way to the parking lot and then on home. As the elevator doors closed and Aaron reached to press the button for the sixth floor Spencer spoke bitterly.

“Is that how everyone on team sees me? Insecure and autistic?” Spencer was looking down at his hands clutching the strap of his satchel so tightly that his knuckles had gone pale.

Aaron was grateful that Spencer had broached the subject without prompting. He was wondering how he was going to get the young man to open up about his feelings without making it look like Aaron was being patronizing.

“No, I don’t think it is. I know it’s not how I think of you.”

“How do you think of me then?”

An image flashed into Aaron’s mind, Spencer on his knees, that beautiful, sensuous mouth wrapped around his throbbing cock, big hazel eyes looking up at him through impossibly long eyelashes.

Aaron gave a slight cough, hoping to disguise the small moan he was sure that image had elicited from him. Spencer’s unwillingness to make eye contact was the only thing saving him from revealing the neediness that was threatening his control.

The elevator chimed their arrival on the sixth floor.

“Let’s talk about it in my office Reid.” Aaron strode through the glass doors not daring to look behind him, aware that his first priority was to get himself seated behind his desk as quickly as possible to hide the way his body was reacting.

Spencer followed without saying anything else and Aaron wished he could have had this conversation seated on the couch in his office but that wasn’t an option for him now.

Aaron slid quickly behind his desk and motioned for Spencer to take a seat opposite him.

“In answer to your question Reid, I see you as an asset to the bureau and an invaluable member of this team. More than that,” Aaron’s voice softened as he continued. “I also see you as someone whose company I enjoy, and who makes that world a better place simply by being in it.”

Spencer’s eyes widened as he absorbed Aaron’s words and the tone in which they were delivered. The affection in Aaron’s voice was unmistakable and Spencer suddenly grinned, the morose demeanor of a few moments ago completely vanished.

“You like me?” Spencer asked in amazement. Aaron couldn’t help grinning back

“Yes, Reid I like you. Everyone on the team likes you. You are utterly likeable.” Aaron said emphatically.

“But what Shyer said, the way he profiled us…”

“Was perceptive, to a point. But think about it carefully Reid. Sometimes our weaknesses can also be our strengths. Jason’s arrogance means he sometimes takes risks, without which, our cases wouldn’t progress, or least wouldn’t progress as rapidly and successfully as they do. Elle is impatient, but her instincts are sharp, and she backs herself in situations where the outcomes often rely on split second decisions. Morgan looks like all brawn and no brains but we both know that just isn’t true. And as for you, we all have insecurities Reid, yours are based on the reality of your inexperience. But every case you work, every time you solve a puzzle, every outcome that you are a part of, fills in those gaps. The autistic leanings? Autism is a spectrum, all of us fit on it somewhere. You don’t lean as much as some might think. You have the capacity to feel deeply Reid, to empathize. You don’t draw energy from being around people, but that just simply means you’re an introvert if we have to go assigning labels.”

“How right was he about you Hotch?”

“Not very. I’m exactly where I want to be.”

“It must be difficult you know, to want something, someone, as much as Shyer did. Do you think the desire pushed him into psychosis, or the psychosis made him desire them?”

Aaron frowned and looked piercingly at Reid, wondering if the young man had some inkling after all of what Hotch was desperate to keep hidden.

“Not everyone who experiences unrequited love ends up a deranged kidnapper, so I assume there was some abnormal psychological tendency that drove him to act the way he did.”

“Just as well, otherwise Elle and I would both be jail.” Spencer stopped, realizing too late that he had spoken his thoughts aloud.  He shot Aaron a look of nervous panic and abruptly stood up. “Well thanks for the chat, I feel a lot better now and I think I might just go home and perhaps finish my report in the morning…” Spencer walked backwards towards the door.

Aaron had risen from his chair and was out from behind his desk in one fluid motion, cutting off Spencer’s escape route.

“Wait,” he placed himself between his office door and Spencer, then crossed his arms.

“Hotch, I really need to go, I can’t, it’s not fair…” the young man pleaded.

“What did you mean, about Elle? I wouldn’t normally pry, it’s just I noticed something tonight, and I think I need a second opinion, or at least better intelligence.”

Spencer was clearly uncomfortable with the conversation but Aaron needed information if he was going to deal with a situation that had personal and professional ramifications for the members of the team.

Spencer sighed and looked down at his shoes.

 “She seems to have developed certain feelings for you, since she joined the unit.”

“She’s told you this?” Aaron asked in surprise.

“No, no, she’d never tell me anything like that, I’m not sure she even knows I exist. It’s the way she moves to stand next to you in any room, just that little bit closer than she would anyone else. Her eyes follow you even after you finish speaking, and she always acknowledges you, even if you haven’t been away very long. Like earlier tonight when you and Morgan came back from following Cheryl, she greeted you, but not Derek. Has something happened? Why are you asking me now?”

“No, not exactly. I saw the way she looked at me this evening, and it, well it supports what you said. Don’t worry I’ll deal with it, there’s no need for this to be mentioned again.”

“Okay, um, thanks Hotch. Can I go now?”

Aaron closed the distance between himself and the young agent until he was just inside the perimeter of Spencer’s personal space. He knew this was probably a bad idea, given the way his body had reacted in the elevator, but he needed to know who Spencer carried a torch for. For him to have been watching Elle closely enough to pick up those cues there was likely only one answer.

“And you,” he said softly. “Who do you want enough to end up in jail for?” Aaron could tell Spencer was debating whether or not to tell him the truth and was suddenly angry with the boy for even thinking of lying to him. He knew it was jealousy making him so resentful but knowing that and managing it was another thing entirely.

“Let’s just say Elle and I would be sharing a cell for _exactly the same reason_.” Spencer risked a glance at Hotch before examining the toes of his shoes intensely, barely registering the dumbstruck expression on the older man’s face.

“Spencer, I don’t…” Aaron began.

“Of course you don’t! It’s okay Hotch. I was hoping you wouldn’t ever know, but I guess that was a bit naive. If I could work Elle out in a couple of months then it wasn’t very likely that I could keep it hidden much longer, although I think I’ve done okay so far.”

“I had no idea. How, how long?” Aaron stammered. Spencer flicked another glance at his boss. He couldn’t get a good read on Aaron’s expression, but the lack of condemnation gave Spencer the confidence to answer him.

“For as long as I’ve been here, from the first time I saw you.”

“But that’s...”

“I know.” Spencer smiled self-consciously. “I guess I’m just kind of used to feeling like this now. Oh, do you, do you want me to resign? I mean, do I need to leave?” Aaron could hear Spencer’s anxiety.

“No,” he said gently. “That’s the last thing I would want.” The tone of his voice made Spencer meet his eyes properly for the first time since Aaron had left his desk.

“That’s kind of you,” Spencer said, relief flooding his voice.

“It’s not kindness.” There was something dark and dangerous in the way Aaron spoke. Spencer felt a little shiver break across his body, but it wasn’t fear.

“Then what is it?” Spencer was still trying to calculate what was going on with Hotch. He was standing just that little bit too close, the way Elle did and his eyes were inky pools.

“The way Elle was looking at me tonight, it’s the same way I was looking at you while you were talking to Gideon.”

“At me?” Spencer hated the way his voice squeaked, but the shock of Hotch’s words made his vocal cords malfunction. “But I don’t understand. You, you’re so…”

“I know. So old, so straight, so married.”

“I was going to say ‘so far out of my league’. As for the rest, Hotch you’re gorgeous and if you looked at me the way that Greenaway looks at you, you might need to reassess the straight bit too, but the last part…” Spencer looked at the older man in confusion.

Aaron sighed. Spencer’s revelation had taken him by surprise and the lack of sleep and stress from the case meant he wasn’t thinking very clearly. It didn’t help that the unobtainable object of his desire had just admitted to being far less unobtainable than he had imagined.

“I’m sorry Spencer, maybe I shouldn’t have said anything. It’s just you were prepared to be honest with me, even though it left you vulnerable and I felt you deserved the same. I am married, and that, that won’t change.”

“Then what are you telling me?”

“That you’re beautiful Spencer. That Shyer had no idea what you’re really like and that if things were different I would have you pressed up against that wall and have my tongue so far down your throat I could lick your tonsils.”

Spencer closed his eyes for a moment and imagined what that would feel like. Aaron wasn’t expecting the smoldering look in Spencer’s eyes when he opened them again and it took every ounce of his will not to do exactly what he had just described.

“Aaron.” Spencer exhaled his name. It was only one word, but it almost shredded his control and Aaron retreated behind his desk.

“You should go now Reid.” Aaron attempted to sound authoritative but only succeeded in sounding a little desperate. “We’re both exhausted and this is not a good time to be discussing things that could easily be misconstrued.”

“Is that what you really want me to do?” Spencer leaned forward, his arms braced on the edge of the large desk.

“No’” Aaron whispered. “But it’s what you have to do, because if you stay, I won’t be able to stop, and the guilt will destroy me.”

Spencer straightened. The lust faded from his eyes and was replaced with something softer.

“Okay Hotch. I understand.”

Aaron watched as Spencer walked out of the office, crossed the bull pen and pushed open the glass doors.

"No Spencer, you don't understand." Aaron murmured. He had never felt so desolate in his life.


	2. Wedding Ring

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> S01E07 The fox

Wedding Ring

Aaron stood cradling his baby son in his arms, an aura of intense pride and a hint of abject terror emanating from him.

“He’s gorgeous,” JJ crooned, looking the way young women sometimes did when they were presented with one of the more pleasing aspects of parenthood, as opposed to the screaming, vomiting version.

“If you find baldness and wrinkles attractive” Spencer noted acerbically. JJ slapped him on the chest. Elle strode towards them.

“Congratulations,” she offered perfunctorily.

“Thank-you.” The Hotchners replied in unison and Spencer rolled his eyes a little.

“Well, uh, we should get going,” Haley extricated the baby from her husband’s arms and settled him in the stroller.

“Pleasure seeing you Mrs. Hotchner,” Spencer said in a voice that suggested precisely the opposite. Aaron missed it because he was focused on his family, but Elle shot him a strange look. She was still puzzling over the way Hotch had looked at someone with such longing the night they had rescued Patricia Davenport. Elle reasoned that it had to be an agent in the bureau, she just couldn’t figure out who. Surely not Hotch and Reid! The idea was more than just improbable, even Sherlock Holmes would have to concede that it was impossible. Reid had all the sex appeal of a well-used toothbrush and her assessment of Hotch was of a deeply sensuous man who would want a partner who could respond in kind. Someone like herself perhaps. She waited until JJ and Reid moved away and then handed Hotch the active case file.

“Bad one?” he queried.

“The worst,” she replied, looking up into the inky darkness of his eyes and feeling her pulse quicken slightly.

* * *

Elle stood beside Hotch in his office as the recording of the autopsy report played. It was grim listening, the brutal descriptions of the exsanguination of small children affected her. Hotch was looking at the photographs and she wondered how, as a new parent, he managed to remain so calm and focused. He looked up at her suddenly.

“Where’s his wedding ring?”

“It’s not listed in his personal effects,” she said as her eyes skimmed down the list.

“Well he obviously wore one, so where is it?”

Elle shook her head. Their case was looking less and less like a murder suicide.

* * *

“You want me to talk to him?” Spencer said uncertainly.

“Yeah, you’ve done interviews before with other agents running point. You can go solo.” Gideon sounded far more confident that Spencer felt, and he rubbed his neck anxiously while Morgan smiled smugly.

Eric Miller was a big man and waves of aggression surged from him the moment Spencer entered the room. He challenged Reid, bashing the table and startling the young man who was clearly uncomfortable in the face of such palpable anger. From behind the mirror where they were observing Aaron’s eyes hardened and he strode towards the interview room, Elle trailing in his wake.

“Sit down now,” Hotch barked as he thrust open the door, the big man being restrained with difficulty by two other agents.

“Is this your daddy?” Miller yelled at Reid, who flinched at the implication of the man’s words. “I’m done talking to you people.”

“You don’t have to talk, just listen,” Spencer replied, his voice surprisingly steady.

Hotch folded his arms and waited for Reid to continue, prepared to give the young man a chance to prove himself.

Reid spoke gently, conjuring a tragic tale of alcohol abuse, domestic violence and a childhood that was rooted in horrific physical and sexual abuse.

“I think we should stop this,” Elle murmured to Hotch

“He’s not finished,” Hotch replied firmly, and she saw the warmth in his eyes as they watched Reid take Miller apart. Her earlier thoughts about what was and was not possible shattered as she realised Hotch was looking at the young man with an affection that edged on need.

When Miller broke down and confessed he had come home and found his family already dead Reid looked at Hotch and saw the older man smile in approval. Elle caught a hint of the same desire in Spencer’s eyes. She felt her skin prickle and a tide of disappointment swept through her. They could both go to hell.

“Interesting interview technique,” Elle sniped at Reid as the three of them walked away from the room. She deliberately walked between the two men, separating them with her body. She knew it was childish, but she couldn’t help it. That Hotch could be attracted to someone other than his wife was miraculous, that it turned out to be Reid was so horribly unfair.

“What did you hope to accomplish?” and there was no disguising the sarcasm dripping from her voice. She deliberately avoided looking at Hotch.

“Well he was closed off, defensive, hostile. I needed a way in. He suffered a breakdown, but I don’t think he killed his family and I know he still loved his wife.”

“Why do you say that?” Hotch asked, genuinely interested to know how Reid had reached that conclusion.

“Even though they were divorced he still wore his wedding ring.” Reid flashed a shy smile at Hotch and moved away. Elle wondered how long Hotch would still be wearing his.

* * *

Hotch dropped his wedding ring onto the desk next to where he was leaning. It landed on its edge and spun for a few seconds before coming to rest with a metallic clatter. Elle couldn’t help but notice that he chose to lean against Reid’s desk, angling his body towards the young man. Hotch picked up the ring.

“Each of the dead husbands was missing his wedding ring. This is the unsub’s trophy. He targets a family because he lost his own and for a few days he gets to play daddy.”

Reid watched as Hotch toyed with his wedding ring before slipping it back on his finger. He sighed softly, and his eyes met Aaron’s, both of them thinking the same thing.

The case moved quickly once Morgan identified the workplace connection. Hotch found the decorated box behind a false front in Karl Arnold’s office. Later, Gideon emptied it onto the table the team were seated around. Eight wedding rings spilled out.

The profilers looked at each other in shock.

* * *

 

Hotch stood in his office watching Reid as the young man worked on finishing his report. Elle was right, this had been one of the worst kinds of cases, and they were all exhausted by it. He saw as she gathered her things and paused briefly by Reid’s desk on her way out. Elle leant over and whispered something in his ear and he jerked away from her as if he’d been slapped. Aaron frowned. Once the elevator doors had closed behind her Hotch walked over to Reid’s desk, the expression on the young man’s face was miserable.

“What was that all about?” Hotch queried.

“Nothing. It’s not important,” but Reid couldn’t look at him and Aaron knew something was wrong.

“What did she say to you Spencer? I want to know.” Spencer’s eyes met his, and there was worry there, and maybe fear as well.

“She said ‘There’s more than one way to annihilate a family.’”

 


	3. Magic Trick

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> S01E9 Derailed  
> For Catalina, because you say such nice things about my writing.

Elle’s eyes widened when she saw Spencer Reid step into the carriage, but she quickly tried to cover her surprise before Bryar realised she knew the young man.

Hotch and Gideon must be insane she thought, to send Reid on board. He would be about as useful as a ham sandwich at a Bar-Mitzvah. She knew her reservations about Reid were coloured by her resentment of Hotch’s feelings for him, but still, at least Morgan would have offered her credible backup. Reid’s disguise as a ‘technician’ offered her little in the way of support and would probably result in another agent trapped on the train with psychotic Dr Bryar. She was surprised Hotch had allowed it, knowing the danger Reid would be in. She reasoned he would rather have kept the young man close to him. Too close, she thought bitterly.

Reid was negotiating with Bryar, and to Elle’s surprise he did a good job of making it appear that he removed a micro-chip from Bryar’s arm. The man’s request, however, that he ‘turn it on’ flummoxed the young agent, and Elle thought quickly.

“He can’t turn it on, it has to be implanted.”

“She’s right. The chip derives its power from tiny electrical impulses fired between neurons. It has to be in your skin to work.” Reid looked at Elle gratefully, and she felt that small spark of connection that comes from working with someone as part of a team.

 

Hotch gripped the back of the chair until his knuckles were white, watching Reid on the monitors and willing the boy to be careful. It took every ounce of discipline he had not to charge onto the train himself, anything would be better than the helplessness he felt, the terrible sinking feeling that this might be the last time he ever saw Reid. He was suddenly glad that Reid knew how Aaron felt about him, that the boy could be sure that he was valued, wanted, _desired_.

“Spencer,” Aaron whispered, not realizing he’d spoken aloud.

“It’s alright, Aaron, we’ll get them out. I’ll get him out.” Hotch felt a firm squeeze on his shoulder as Gideon spoke. “It’s gone on too long, I’m going in.”

Gideon walked purposefully towards the train, at the sound of a gunshot he broke into a run. Hotch stood watching, his mouth dry, his chest aching.

“Not Reid,” he murmured. “Please, not Reid.”

Gideon opened the carriage door, Reid was leaning over Bryar, shaken but unharmed.

“We need an ambulance,” Spencer said and Gideon felt a wave of relief that he’d been able to keep his promise.

 

Elle sat with Spencer waiting be taken to the hospital for a routine medical check. She hated to admit it, but Spencer had saved her life. Perhaps she had misjudged him. The way he spoke to Bryar made her realize, for the first time, how difficult it was to be Spencer Reid. Even if the things he said to Bryar were only partial truths, the young man certainly hadn’t had it easy. She smiled at him uncertainly.

“I’m sorry, for what I said to you before.” Spencer was wise enough not ask what she was referring to.

“It’s forgotten,” he said, and smiled back at her. She glanced to where Hotch was standing a discreet distance away, watching them.

“I think someone wants to talk to you,” and she indicated to where Hotch was waiting. Spencer sighed.

“It’s not what you think.”

Elle looked at him quizzically.

“What do I think?”

“We aren’t, we haven’t... I mean, he’s already told me, he’s married...” Spencer gave up trying to explain. He didn’t really understand it himself.

“Maybe not, but you will.”

“You really don’t know him very well do you. He’d rather cut off his hand than risk betraying her by touching me.”

“No one can look at another person the way he looked at you and not do something about it, no matter how ‘honourable’ they are. It’s only a matter of time.”

“It would destroy him. He couldn’t live with the guilt. He’s told me as much already.”

“Then God help you both,” Elle felt her jealousy evaporate. The only thing worse than wanting Hotch the way she did would be knowing that he wanted her back and would never act on it. She felt a sudden surge of sympathy for them both.

“That’s not an option,” Spencer said, and she felt his resignation envelop them both.           

“Even so, go talk to him, he needs to know you’re okay.”

“Are we okay?” Spencer looked at her with an unguardedness that made her regret the animosity she had previously felt for him.

“Yeah, we’re okay,” Spencer stood and started to walk towards Hotch.

“And Spence...” He turned to her. ”If you need someone to listen, I’m here. At least you'll know I understand how you feel.” Elle smiled wryly.

“Thanks Elle. I might just take you up on that.” She watched as Spencer thrust his hands into his pockets and walked towards Hotch. For all that she might wish things were different, she knew that somehow this was right.

 

“Are you alright?” Hotch couldn’t quite keep the edge of anxiety from his voice.

“I’m fine.”

“And Elle?” The tenseness in his voice was unmistakable.

“We’re fine too. You don’t need to worry. We’ve come to an ‘understanding’.

“Which is?”

“It’s not polite to kiss and tell.” Spencer smiled wickedly.

“Don’t even...” Hotch crossed his arms to stop himself from wrapping them around the man standing in front of him. “I thought I was going to watch you die.”

“I thought there was a good chance I was going to die. And there was only one thing I regretted.”

“What?” The look Hotch gave him was half remorse, half desperate need.

“That I never had a chance to do this.” Spencer checked that no one was watching them before leaning forward a fraction. He gently brushed his lips against Hotch’s mouth.

“I just wanted to know what it felt like, in case I actually get shot next time.”

“There won’t be a next time.” Hotch said emphatically.

“There will always be a next time, _Aaron_.” Spencer added with emphasis. “It’s what we do. It’s why we are who we are. You knew I was the only chance we had to stop Bryar. Would you change that just because it was me taking the risk, rather than Morgan, or Gideon?”

“No,” Hotch admitted.

“Then we don’t have a problem.”

“Don’t we?” Aaron sighed, his eyes not meeting Spencer’s.

“I’m sorry Hotch, I shouldn’t have, I mean, I didn’t even ask...”

“That’s not the problem Spencer. The problem is how much I want you to kiss me again.” Aaron rested his palm against Spencer’s face and slowly traced his thumb along the shadow of the boy’s cheekbone, then he turned abruptly and strode away.

Spencer followed him with his eyes, wishing he could do something to ease the pain he saw flash across Aaron’s face when the older man touched him.


	4. Hotch, we have a problem

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> S01 E12 What fresh hell?

Hotch sat sprawled in his seat, one leg draped over the chair arm. His top button was undone and the tie around his neck loosened a little. They were playing poker; Reid, Hotch, Morgan and JJ, the flight back from Delaware was not a long one so sleep would wait until they got home. Reid was winning, as usual. JJ and Morgan complained bitterly, convinced that Reid had cheated.

“Poker? It’s mathematics, it’s statistics,” Reid attempted to defend himself.

“He’s from Vegas,” Hotch added, as if that explained everything, and he looked affectionately at the young man sitting opposite him. Reid was enjoying getting one up on the others, although he was increasingly distracted by the way Aaron was sitting.

Spencer was glad that the table masked Hotch from the waist down. He wasn’t sure he’d be able keep his eyes from staring at the way the other man’s legs were splayed, relaxed and open, Spencer rarely got to see him this way and it was doing strange things to his equilibrium. Hotch smiled at Gideon, prompted by the suggestion that Garcia might think Gideon was ‘sweet on her’. His smile made Spencer’s breath catch a little in his throat. He wanted to close his eyes and replay that smile over again, but he didn’t want to miss the chance of another. He hadn’t seen Hotch look like this, well, ever.

 

Hotch reached for the deck to deal another hand and leaned towards Reid.

“Remind me never to play strip poker with you.” Hotch murmured, out of earshot of the others

Reid’s eyes widened slightly as his mind summoned an image of Aaron naked and spread across the seat as he was moments ago. The look in Hotch’s eyes made Spencer sure that Aaron knew exactly what he’d been thinking.

Morgan and JJ had lost interest in the game and were engrossed in their own discussion, only Elle was watching the two men and caught the exchange of heated glances. ‘Only a matter of time,’ she thought, but without bitterness.

 

 In what was becoming a habit, only Hotch and Reid made their way to Quantico rather than heading home. For Spencer it was more a matter of avoiding an empty apartment and a chance to let his brain process the emotional trauma of the case. For Hotch, it was an endless stream of paperwork and the loneliness of a marriage that was only in name. It gave them both the opportunity to be in the same space, just the knowledge that the other was close helped.

“Your nightmares,” Hotch asked as they entered the elevator. “Are they getting fewer?”

“I’m sleeping better, and cases like this one, where we get to save the child, they help.”

Hotch nodded, silently grateful for the cameras in the elevator because they helped stop him from wrapping Spencer in his arms and holding him; whispering that he could think of some things to do that would keep the darkness away.

“How long do you suppose they keep the security footage for?” Spencer said nodding at the camera in the corner of the elevator. Aaron wondered for a moment if Spencer could actually read his mind. Spencer grinned at the shocked look on Aaron’s face.

“You looked up at the camera twice, I wondered what you were thinking about them.” And that, thought Aaron, was why the young man was such a good profiler.

They arrived on the sixth floor, Aaron walked the ramp up to his office as Reid settled in behind his desk and turned on the lamp. Aaron tried to concentrate on the file in front of him, but the view from his office window was too tempting and the opportunity to watch the boy openly too rare. The light from the desk lamp illuminated Spencer’s face, his high cheekbones cast soft shadows over the lower part of his face, the edge of his jaw caught the light when he shifted slightly to turn a page. Aaron let his eyes drink in the young man’s beauty, it still surprised him at times how dismissive others sometimes were when it came to Dr Reid. He was luminous, he radiated compassion, his mind and his face were powerful weapons that left Aaron defenceless. He knew that the only thing saving him from being unfaithful was simply that Spencer hadn’t asked him to. If he did, if on some evening when they were alone like this Spencer wandered into his office and whispered to him ‘take me to bed,’ he would do exactly that. He might not even make it as far as a bed.

Spencer turned another page and glanced up to the office. Aaron quickly turned away, Spencer had already demonstrated how easily he could read Aaron’s body language. He didn’t want the young man discerning what was going through his mind at that moment. Or maybe he did. Maybe he wanted not to have to fight his desire any longer, to let Spencer steal him away from the promise he’d made so long ago, when he and Haley had been different people. Aaron closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead. He should go home, it was late and staying here was just making the longing worse.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Aaron opened his eyes and saw Spencer propped against the doorframe.

“I don’t know what I’d say, and anyway, it’s my problem, I don’t need to drag you into it.”

“Maybe it’s our problem, and maybe I’m already in it,” Spencer replied as he stepped into the office. He moved to the couch on the far side of the room and settled back against the cushion.

“Tell me about Haley. Tell me what happened.” Spencer said gently. Aaron sighed. He stood up and came and sat beside Spencer on the couch. It wasn’t easy for him to talk about something so deeply personal, but Spencer was part of this, whether he wanted to be or not.

“She wanted a baby more than she wanted anything in the world, more than she wanted me. We tried for years, and every time we failed, she got a bit more desperate, a little bit less like herself. I realized a little while ago that she was no longer the woman I married, the girl I fell in love with. We tried counseling, but it wasn’t working well for either of us, my job got in the way, Haley just couldn’t see the problem. In her eyes wanting a baby was a normal, natural desire, but it wasn’t. It was an obsession. I was trying to work out what I wanted to do, then she fell pregnant. I can’t leave Spencer, I won’t abandon my child. I don’t really trust Haley to be stable enough to look after him on her own. I’m hoping that she might agree to get some therapy now, but the best I can hope for is that she gets better, mentally. I don’t think I can save my marriage, I’m not sure I even want to.” Aaron looked at Spencer for the first time since he started speaking.

“I’m so sorry Hotch,” Spencer said softly. He reached out and slipped his hand into Aaron’s, squeezing his fingers gently in a gesture of comfort and support.

“I think I’d learned to accept that it was just the way things were going to be,” Aaron said slowly, looking down at the hand tenderly enclosing his own. “And I was okay with that, but then, things changed.” Aaron squeezed back, a steady pressure that said so much more than his words could. “And now, now I’m caught in a life that I created. The only thing I can do is make certain that you don’t end up tangled in it too. I wish things were different, but sometimes you just have to play the cards you’re dealt.”

“Don’t give up just yet, I’m good at beating the odds. The House doesn’t always win.” Spencer twisted his body so that his back was towards the other man and wrapped Aaron’s hand around his waist, leaning back until his shoulders pressed against Aaron’s chest. He pulled Aaron’s arm tighter around himself and Aaron moved his other arm to lock him into an embrace.

“There’s nothing I can ask of you, nothing I can give you, you must understand that.” Aaron said in a voice raw with longing.

“Please, hold me Aaron, I just want to be in your arms. The rest we’ll worry about tomorrow.”

“That I can do,”

Spencer felt arms tighten around him and the whisper of Aaron’s breath as lips brushed across his temple. It would do, for now.


	5. Chopsticks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> S01: E17 A REal Rain

Aaron watched as Spencer attempted to master the chopsticks held clumsily in his hand and poke some noodles into his mouth, before failing miserably. The rest of the team were teasing the young man about his ineptitude so Aaron didn’t have to guard his glances too carefully. He wondered how Spencer still managed to look utterly gorgeous even with a smear of noodle sauce on his chin before realizing that no one would else see Spencer the way he did. He almost had to grip the edge of the table to stop himself leaning across and wiping the smudge of sauce away with his tongue. It was getting more and more difficult to control his impulses where Spencer was concerned, and Aaron looked away quickly before anyone else picked up on his signals. Elle was complaining that they couldn’t stop talking shop, so he smiled at her mischievously and asked

“So, Elle, are you seeing anyone?”

She looked daggers at him before turning to Gideon and asking about the hole in their profile.

Spencer had given up on the chopsticks and requested a fork but it didn’t seem to be helping much. Reid: 0 Noodles: 1. Gideon took the call that the vigilante had taken down a cop killer and the lightheartedness of the dinner vanished. They made their way back to the hotel to get some rest before an early morning briefing on the latest victim.

 

Despite his debacle with the chopsticks, Spencer was enjoying his first night in New York City. He showered quickly and slipped into something comfortable to sleep in, soft cotton sweats and a tee-shirt. He was staring out the hotel window, taking in the bustle of the street when there was gentle knock at his door. He slid from his perch on the windowsill and padded barefoot across the floor to answer it. Hotch stood nervously in the corridor, trying to appear inconspicuous with about as much success as Spencer had eating with chopsticks.

“Can I come in?”

“Sure,” Spencer stood aside and Hotch stepped quickly into the room. Spencer closed the door behind him and stood waiting, but Hotch just moved further inside without speaking. He was still wearing his suit, and the incongruity between the two men’s attire suddenly struck Spencer as slightly ridiculous.

“I was just, um, taking in the view,” Spencer said awkwardly.

“That’s right, this is your first time in New York.”

“It’s different from Vegas. Classier.” Spencer smiled, but Hotch was staring out the window, just as Spencer had been minutes before.

“Was there something you wanted?” Spencer asked, a slight tremor in his voice. Being alone in a hotel room with Hotch was making him edgy and he wasn’t really dressed to disguise the slow heat that he could feel building under his skin.

When Hotch turned to look at him there was no possibility of mistaking what it was that Aaron wanted. Need rolled from the senior agent in waves, and Spencer felt his breath hitch in his throat. He didn’t think he had any hope of resisting the pull of Aaron’s desire, not when it was something he wanted so desperately as well.

 

“So, um, it might not be a good idea for us to be alone together, in a hotel room, at night.”

 

“I know that,” Aaron said, making no move to change his position by the window. Spencer decided a less subtle approach might be necessary.

 

“Do you know how much I want to kiss you right now?”

 

“Mmhmm, I know that too.”

 

“You know so much, maybe I’m not the only genius in the BAU

 

“Oh, you don’t need to be a genius to know those things.”

 

“What do you need to be?”

 

“Standing in front of you,” Aaron’s eyes swept the length of Spencer’s body and lingered hungrily on the growing bulge in Spencer’s sweats. He knew he should leave while he still could, before this went any further, before Spencer asked him to stay and he said yes, because he couldn’t say no.

 

“Do you, um, want to stay with me, tonight?” Spencer walked slowly towards where Aaron was standing. He lifted Aaron’s left hand and placed it softly against his face, closing his eyes and breathing whispered kisses against the calloused palm. A low moan escaped Aaron’s lips.

 

“More than anything.”

 

“I want it to be you.” Spencer’s breath was hot against his hand, but Aaron tensed as the meaning of Spencer’s words dawned on him.

 

“You want what to be me?” Aaron asked, but he already knew the answer.

 

“The first time, I want it to be you. I’ve never wanted anyone the way I want you, so I’ve never... I mean, it’s not important...” Spencer could sense something in Aaron had changed and he was desperate to try and work out what was happening.

 

“It’s very important. I can’t take that from you Spencer, it’s something far too precious to be wasted on me.

 

“It wouldn’t be wasted on you. I’ve told you, I don’t want anybody else. Only you. It’s only ever been you.”

 

“Spencer,” Aaron slid his hand from Spencer’s grasp and rested it gently on his shoulder. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be here, it’s not fair, I didn’t know...”

 

“Stop apologizing and take me to bed Aaron,” Spencer slid his hand around the back of Aaron’s neck and pulled him towards his lips. Aaron had never felt so torn in his life. All he wanted to do was wrap his arms around the slender figure standing before him and carry him the few short steps to the bed that beckoned to him lasciviously. At the same time he felt revulsion for his need, what kind of man would attempt to seduce someone like Spencer when he had nothing to offer him except deceit, lies, manipulation. He hated himself and he hated what he’d done to this extraordinary young man who seemed determined to offer himself in a way that Aaron could barely believe. Breaking his marriage vows would be crime enough, he couldn’t let Spencer taint something that should be joyful with Aaron’s sin.

 

“I’m not doing this Spencer. I thought I could, but it’s not... it’s not right.”

 

“I don’t need saving from you Aaron, you need saving from yourself, I can do that. Let me do that.”

Spencer reached out to stroke the hollow of Aaron’s cheekbone, but the older man flinched away, and then he was gone, striding quickly to the door and not looking back as it closed firmly behind him. Spencer couldn’t stop the tears that trickled down his face, if only he’d not spoken those words, not confessed his lack of experience. He knew that he shouldn’t feel so rejected, that Aaron was only trying to stop him doing something he might later regret, but it cut him deeply, he’d never been so close to anyone, and yet so utterly alone. He swiped away the tears with the back of his hand and settled himself on the bed, only minutes before so full of promise, now bereft of any comfort.

 “Damn you Aaron Hotchner and damn your stupid principles,” he whispered to the empty space beside him. He curled into himself and let the tears flow until finally he fell into a dreamless sleep.

 

 

If Aaron noticed Spencer’s reddened and puffy eyes the next morning as they climbed the steps of the Manhattan Criminal Courthouse he didn’t make any comment. Hotch asked Gideon if he’d ever thought about taking the law into his own hands, and Gideon looked at him closely.

“What’s this about, the boys in Iowa?”

“It’s just a question,” Hotch replied, but he didn’t meet Gideon’s steady gaze.

“I guess I think if I ever let my mind go there, then the unsubs would be getting into my head instead of me getting into theirs.”

The three of them interviewed a number of courthouse employees trying to get a fix on a viable suspect, but no one was able to help them, and some even suggested that the vigilante was doing the city a favour. His curiosity peaked, Spencer approached Gideon while Hotch was occupied elsewhere in the building.

 

“What happened in Iowa?”

“It was one of the first cases Hotch and I worked together. Small town, two boys had been murdered, same signature. The profile led us to the local 4-H leader. We went to interview him, the guy was suicidal, he had a shotgun. At some point he turns the shotgun on Hotch. Instead of firing, Hotch talks him down. The guy surrenders.”

“Sounds like pretty good work,” Spencer said softly, his heart contracting a little at the thought of Hotch being blasted apart by a twelve gauge. Gideon nodded.

“At trial, the guy’s wife gave him an alibi for both murders. Small town, they all knew each other, the jurors believed her. Eventually they got him when he killed another boy.” Gideon looked meaningfully at Reid, hoping that the young man understood why Hotch might be struggling at the moment. As Aaron approached them from across the vestibule Spencer’s gaze dropped. A prickle of guilt nudged him as he remembered the anger he had felt towards Hotch last night.

“Any luck?” Hotch asked wearily

“No,” Spencer flashed him an uncertain smile, an attempt to mend what had been in danger of breaking. Hotch sighed, then returned the smile and Spencer felt that things weren’t as bad as they had seemed when he had awoken that morning.

 

 

This time it was Gideon who tried to talk the unsub down, who promised help and rest to the deranged man plagued by voices and a need to correct the mistakes of others. Hotch didn’t hesitate, as soon as he had a clear line of sight he fired. He walked slowly from the building towards the rest of the team and Reid turned slightly towards him, their eyes meeting for a brief moment before Spencer whispered softly,

“It’s okay Hotch.”

“It is this time,” Aaron said, before moving away.

**Author's Note:**

> I may come back to this, or not. :)


End file.
